Guys and Misplaced Emotions
This is something people probably never hear: guys are downright fucking emotional creatures. Probably more so than the average woman. Yeah, women get moody and bitch and scream and cry and laugh. And yes, most women can do all of that at the exact same time. But men are emotional in a completely extremely opposite way.
First thing is first, men specifically want what they know for damn sure that they cannot have. I say this is true not only for power tools and fast cars, but especially with women.
Guy has a girlfriend, loves his girlfriend, dotes on girlfriend, but hits on the blond sitting at the bar when girlfriend isn't around.
This past week, I actually experienced this very thing. This guy who I had been checking out in one of my classes comes up to me at the bar. We start to flirt, joking, laughing, having a blast. He's instantly charming, his smile nearly making it impossible to resist. He proceeds then to invite me back to his place. I hesitate, only for a second, but he senses my nervousness and tells me I have until he comes back from the bathroom to think about it. Awkward, but okay... I play along. A few minutes go by and we find each other again in the middle of the crowded bar. We pick up where we left off, flirting, joking, laughing. I lean in for a kiss... He leans in too... and as soon as his lips are nearly a fraction of an inch away from mine, he pulls back, this guilty look spackled across his handsome face.
"I'm sorry," he says, "I can't do this."
"Why in the hell not?" I ask.
"I have a girlfriend."
SLAM. Straight to the gut. Someone just swung at me with a bag of rocks and missed my lady parts by an inch. What. The. Fuck. "But we can still be friends on facebook!" He proceeds to friend request me.
The second emotion that men can't seem to wrap their penis sized brains around is the idea of actually liking someone. Legit. A guy can talk about fucking chicks all day, get some bro taps, slaps on the back, even the timeless high five, all of his buddies encouraging the whorish mannerisms that are male. But talk about having real feelings for a girl, and not the kind associated with her vagina?
Whoa, Bro, you whipped?
Umm... back the eff up dbag, let's talk about the actual possibility of liking someone for reasons other than their ability to rock your world between the sheets, k?
This can actually happen! No joke, no lie, guys can find that spark, that connection, or that desire for companionship, just like the vagina owners can. It's natural. And honestly, that is what should be encouraged.
You like hanging with a girl because she's nice, funny, smart, witty, or just plain awesome...? Props to you, dude.
But here's the thing... you need to be honest with yourself. You need to man the fuck up, balls to the wall, and admit that shit. Use your words. That is the part guys can't handle. Because for some reason, telling a girl you like her, no matter how cool you play it, drops your manhood points by, well, a lot. And that, my dear douchey friend, is complete and utter bullshit.
I don't even own a penis and I can tell you, flat out, that your manhood will, with absolute certainty, remain in tact if you just so happen to grow a pair and tell this girl how you feel.
It is okay. You aren't going to sprout a pair of double D tits just because you can talk openly about what you are feeling. Promise.
Let me be the first to burst that little love bubble though. There are limits to expressing your unleashed heart energy. There is a spectrum, for both men and women alike, usually rated from Stage 5 Psycho Stalker to Douchebag on a Stick, that determines whether your confession will be accepted with open arms or a restraining order.
At one end you've got the cold hearted bastards and icy bitches. These unfeeling non-humans won't bother with liking someone. They're too busy being douchebags. They might lead someone on for a little while, make that someone genuinely like them, despite their douchebaggery, and then proceed to shut that person down, hard and fast. The person who liked them is left in the dust, so beyond confused, they don't even know what to do with themselves.
I, unfortunately, have found myself in this scenario, in company of heartless beings, more times than I am willing to admit. You'd think I'd know better by now.
But I don't, therefore I write about it. Go figure.
Then there is the opposite end of that spectrum. Now, don't get me wrong, you will find just about anyone doing this at one time or another. You tell this person you like them, open your heart, and then BAM! you're attached to their goddamn hip.
You constantly think about that person, talk about that person, text them nearly a hundred times throughout your day, telling them every useless piece of information you can think of, from your lunch content right down to your bowel movements. You met this person a week ago, but it feels like you've known them forever. And you want them to be with you, all the time, and you can't stand the thought of them being with anyone else but you.
Umm... Wait the fuck up. You mean to tell me that you magically decided, without getting to know a single thing about me, that I'm your soul mate? And I have just been living in this little lie bubble this whole time, thinking about how love can't possibly happen at first sight? You've got to be kidding me.
This is not some whirlwind revelation of romance, my crazy friend. NO. This is not the gods, or fate, or destiny. I am not going to jump into your arms and let you smother the fuck out of me. We are not going to be together, get married, and have little psycho-stalker children together. You are absurd. And, frankly, you're making not only me, but the entire world uncomfortable.
You need to, one, slow the fuck down! And, two, take a real long look at the reality of the situation. You go off on a tangent about how we are meant to be, calling me your girl, and expect me to be okay with that? You should probably be committed. Seriously. I don't know you, I don't know where you came from, who your friends are, or, really, anything about you at all.
Little tip (you should probably write this down): LOVE DOES NOT, NOR WILL IT EVER, HAPPEN OVER NIGHT. Hell, it probably won't even happen over the course of a few months. And, to stand up to my brutally honest quota, I am perfectly content with that.
Needless to say, stop being so fucking emotional!
Okay, so I know this was just a long as fuck rant about emotions and shit, but I have had a long few weeks. And a part of that week was having to deal with both extremes of the emotional spectrum. I know it is more girl biased than I am used to writing, but that is only because I experience the men side of things, because they are constantly coming at me with more and more craziness. I know, for a fucking fact, that women are incredibly and sometimes insanely emotional as well, and maybe this post is proof of that, but I am tired of the dramatic soap-opra worthy penis owner moments in my life.
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