My Muse...
I used to think that I could find inspiration in anything and everything.
The words of a song, the twisting branches of a tree, the way the sun rose and set everyday. In love, hate, depression, anxiety, nervousness, and pain. In the way a child smiled over a simple thing like balloons and lightning bugs.
I used to be so inspired in life itself and everything life had to offer.
What I would give to be a child again, never having to worry about getting my heart broken, finding a way to survive, and whether or not the people involved in my life would betray me or not.
I wouldn't take that kind of innocence for granted, if given that chance again, no matter how naive I would be.
And that is exactly what a child is. They are naive because they are unaware. They do not understand the concept of time, death, heartbreak, or money. They do not seek trouble, because the concept of right and wrong is a blurry inconclusive line that is more like the finger painting project they are working on. Messy and indecisive.
But I envy the child who has yet to feel what it is like to feel lonely. To feel betrayed. To feel like the world has given up on them.
One day you are playing outside, really considering taste testing the mud pie you just concocted, and the next, you are overwhelmed by the pressures of the world, searching desperately for some kind of relief.
Right now, it seems, that everything in my life is moving at the speed of light. I am changing schools, moving, learning new things, meeting new people, and having some of those people fall head over heels with me after only a week of knowing me. It's all just too much.
And what is worse is that I feel like I am standing completely still, unable to move a muscle, just watching it all happen, as if from the sidelines of my own life. And there is nothing I can do to break this freeze frame that is me.
And what is worse than that is that being trapped inside myself is only the tip of the ice berg. I don't really want to break free of the solitude of being distant from everything. I have grown comfort in being alone and helpless. I have considered it a blessing rather than a curse.
And that is not at all okay. I need to get into the game and start getting my life back into some semblance of order. I need to figure out what I want, where I need to be, and what I need to do to get there. Life is pushing at me from every angle, bringing these walls closer and closer, and I need to start pushing back.
The question I have though is how?
How do I find myself again, in this whole giant clusterfuck of a mess that is my life?
How do I find inspiration again?
How do I handle knowing all that I know, having experienced all that I have experienced, and still be able to look at life with fresh, new eyes?
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