01.14.13

Bon Voyage!

     This road I have been traveling on has been a gruesome and exhausting one. I have managed to hit very pot hole, been hindered by every road block, and snagged by every curve. Uphill is my journey, and it's the hardest, most tedious route to have taken. But somehow I managed to get here, wherever here is. Population: me. 
     I guess you could say I am the antagonist in my own novel. I somehow manage to sabotage myself in the worst ways. My arch nemesis is my ego, or, sometimes, lack thereof.
     I keep trying to push forward, get to the next checkpoint, or exit, or even a rest stop. But I somehow manage to miss every single one. Or something comes up. Something stands in my way. Trust. Love. Pain. Betrayal. Hangovers. Procrastination. 
     My life seems so easy from a distance. Nice and neat, like when you're sitting in a window seat on a plane and looking down over a city, full of colors and lights, full of excitement and wonder.   But when you touch down, find your way onto the streets, you begin to realize everything is crowded. Messy. Confused.
     The contents of my mind are like a lost mouse trying to find his way through a maze in attempt to get his cheese.
     I like to call it my clusterfuck of shit.
     I have been letting my doubts eat away at me lately. Am I good enough to write? Am I a good enough writer to even ask that question? Should I even bother writing a blog about resolutions that of which no one is going to read because I can't seem to take my own advice?
     Truth is, I am afraid.
     I am unwilling to accept the changes, good and bad, that are happening in my life.
     I am avoiding looking outside, maybe because its nothing but cold snow and horrible drivers, or maybe it's because I am trying to avoid being a part of a bigger picture.
     I go to work, but only because they pay me. And I don't really even put in my all when I am there, even though I know I used to want to.
     Complaining about everything has become my worst habit. Then again, would there be a blog if I didn't complain about something?
     I feel like life is weighing me down. I can't seem to get anything done, large or small, and I honestly am tired of putting in the effort.
     But maybe I am looking as the glass half empty. Maybe I am looking at it as though the unpaved road I'm on is never ending. Maybe I need to think of it as me being the paver. If that even makes sense. What if my actions and decisions now, pave the way for someone else? What if   I am leaving behind me a sort of legacy? 
     These words delicately laid out over your computer screen are just a small puzzle piece I am trying to make fit into this glorious masterpiece that is my life. 
     What happens when all of my nothings add up to something?

Resolution #014: Take a trip. Doesn't matter where, doesn't matter how far. This road we're on is already looking like something we've seen before. And it's destined to lead you somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe everywhere. But it is going to be one crazed out hyped up on steroids kind of roller coaster that will make you want to throw up. Then again, life never said it would be easy. But detours are nice. You are already here, you might as well enjoy the scenery.