It Must Have Been Love...
My heart really aches for this post today. There are some things that just need to be said. And I am writing this mainly as a kick in the ass to my best friend, Nikki. She has been having a rough time lately in that battlefield of love, which, I suppose more people are right there with her than not. It is something I didn't even really know I was passionate about until she started arguing with me about it. She doesn't trust anyone, and doesn't want to. She doesn't want to open her heart to anyone new and doesn't want to take the risk of letting someone in for the sole fear of being disappointed. But, I am also writing this for my heart as well. I have been holding a lot in over the past two years, and I just need to let it all go.
I know my very first post was about living fearlessly. and maybe this resolution will be similar. The parallels between taking risks with your heart and being fearless are undeniable. But I take what I said in my first resolution, "do not let fear of success... fear of love... fear of rejection... hold you back," and I pick it all apart right here in this one.
There once was a girl engaged to be married to a very handsome, honest, trustworthy, and reliable boy. They were incredibly in love; it was almost painfully too much. They were best friends. They were lovers. They were each other's better half. They were so in tune with each other, in fact, that they had developed a sense of comfortable routine. She would go to school, he would go to work, and somehow they always managed to spend a little bit of time together each and every day. They told each other everything, and even when they fought, they never stopped loving.
One day, the girl lost her job. The company she had been dying to work for finally hired her, only to go out of business six months later. In the process of losing her job, she also lost her car. The older the car, the less reliable. Things got really tense between the boy and the girl. He tried his best to pick up the slack where needed, bringing her to school and helping her try to find another job. But the strains of life pressures were just too much. They fought more and more, and talked less and less. The girl somehow lost herself in all of it and lost her lust for love in the process. The boy stayed as long as he could, but eventually gave up. And the girl, well, she lost not only the love of her life, but her ability to love at all.
She put on a brave smile and tried to push the boy to the back of her mind, all the while telling her friends, "love is just a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes delusions. Endorphins are being transmitted, adrenal glands are being secreted, and your heart is really nothing more than a muscle. Muscles aren't made of glass, therefore they cannot break. They cannot shatter into a million pieces, no matter what the expression, because it is physically impossible." If she could distant herself from feeling the pain inside, then maybe, just maybe, she could survive without her soul mate. Everything became numb to her, all of her senses muffled. Her taste for things she once craved became bland. Colors that were once bold and bright were now dull and gray. Her fingers touched, but didn't feel. Words of comfort, love, and advice for life flowed into her ears, but were not heard. Music she once loved and danced to became less rhythmic, no melody. The smells of the world around her that once enticed her were now rancid. Her heart all but turned to stone.
Time moved on, life kept going. The world did not end. He moved on to a marriage with someone else, with children. She moved to another school, another job, and another car. She tried putting herself out there, taking risks with her heart, letting other seemingly suitable boys in, and trusting them maybe a little bit too easily. And she got hurt again and again. She became secluded in her emotions, shutting them down as soon as they reared their ugly heads. Emotions are a sign of weakness, is what she would think to herself. She tossed her will to care for the little things out the window, and decided love wasn't worth the risk.
It will be two years come March 9th. They say it takes half the length of the relationship to get over someone. I have yet to learn the ways of this trick. I have yet to learn that the love I once felt for him an fuel the love I can have for someone else. I have constant reminders that tell me I will be okay. In a promise ring from a perfect day long ago on a beach to the script tattooed on my right ribs, from a song I once knew. I will survive. I will move on. And I will find that love again. It won't be with him, but that is okay. My love is out there somewhere. And that makes me the sappiest girl in the world, but I can at least say I will never give up, whereas he did.
Back then, I was my own worst enemy. I really used anatomy and science to try to convince myself that it was okay to not care and to be cold. I din't need anyone or anything. Nothing could break me.But it has been long enough and painful enough, where I know now that I need to face my fears. It may take a while for me to trust completely, love completely, but someday, when I find someone worth fighting for again, I will give him my heart, no hesitation.
Maybe I'm not being all that clear. Losing him nearly killed me two years ago. I thought for sure I could not survive without him. But I'm not dead. I'm still here. And I am stronger for it. I go out on dates; I give guys my phone number. I go out with my girls and leave my heart on the dance floor. I get dressed up, feel pretty, and take a shot. I laugh until I cry. I make conversation with complete strangers. I sing along to the songs at work or in my car, regardless of who is listening. I may get rejected sometimes. I may manage to find every douche bag, manipulator, heart-string puller, liar, cheater, and scumbag. I may get my heart broken ten times over, again and again. But at least I can say I am alive. And I am not going to stop living until I'm dead. And in the meantime, I will try. I will try for success, for love, for me, and for him. I will try for Nikki, Danielle, Logan, Heather, Jess, Sarah and all of my other friends who can see me for who I am. Strong. Determined. Loving. Carefree. Everything I wasn't two years ago.
What doesn't kill you DOES make you STRONGER. I am living proof. And to hear that one of my best friends doesn't want to even attempt that risk--because of rejection, disappointment, the possibility of getting hurt or being vulnerable to someone else--well, now I can say that it is not just the men breaking my heart. It is her too. I love that girl more than life itself sometimes. She deserves the purest form of happiness there is. It is the absolute best feeling in the world, to be able to look at someone for just a fraction of a second, and instantly feel that swarm of butterflies rising in your stomach. It is the most beautiful sensation to ever be felt. And I can honestly say, without a doubt, that I can still feel them. I am not emotionless. I am not a chemical imbalance. I am human. I am a girl. I am me.
I will probably always have love for the man I lost. The an who taught me how to love and what being in love truly feels like. I have every certainty that he will always hold a piece of my heart. But if I can go through the pain of that loss, through that much heartache, experience that much love just to lose it and still be able to breathe; I must be doing something right.I will continue to search for that something right, no matter what my heart endure while I'm getting there.
I know this is the longest post I have written thus far, and I swear I am nearly finished. I just needed to get some of this stuff off of my chest. And maybe those of you reading this think I am absolutely bonkers. Which is partially true. I am, though, the happiest nutty person you may or may not ever know. It is because of my past loves and losses that have gotten me this far and this happy. I have no regrets whatsoever. And I plan to keep it that way.
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