01.18.13

Home Is Where the Heart Is

I have been freaking myself out over the past week.
I am attending a new school, I am moving out of my mom's house, and I am making new friends with room mates I now have. It has been incredibly overwhelming and seemingly too fast paced. Two days. That is all of the time I was granted to pack up my life and chuck it into a tiny bedroom made for two. Across town.
I am not even sure how I managed it, but I did. Even the three flights of stairs that I had to climb to get here.
Scariest moment of my life?
Seeing a near empty bedroom at my mother's house where I now used to live. Knowing that if I wanted to sleep tonight, it had to be in a bed less than half the size of my own, in an apartment full of girls I hardly know yet.
Don't misunderstand me, the sleeping part isn't what's hard.
I am good at making friends. I am tough under pressure. I encourage the crazy shennanigans I know I am probably going to get into with these girls. That is all fine and dandy.
It is leaving behind the familiar that is quite possibly going to break me.
I remember when I was a kid, my mom would ship us off to summer camp. The religious kind. And I remember having fun and enjoying the small interlude that was my life, but I also remember the distinct feeling of being home sick.
I feel tid bits of that same tug on my heart now same as I did then, and I guess it's got me scared.
I have been running around doing everything and then some, trying to get my shit together, trying to figure out what to do and where to go next, and you'd think that would keep me from missing my mom's house, but for some reason it is eating away at the back ofmy mind.
Nevermind the fact that my mother is looking to sell my childhood home, which makes it that much harder. 
I know I talked about accepting change in a previous post, and I still firmly believe that is true, but it is easier said than done, apparantly. 
I miss my black cat, Pheobe. I wish I was allowed to have her here with me, and it is scary to think that when my mom supposedly leaves to where ever it is that she is going, that Pheobe won't have a home. 
Anyways, I am writing this post as a way of venting, but also in compilation with my previous posts and posts to come,I guess I am searching for myself somewhere along the way. And I think the only way to do that is to practice what I preach and accept the immensity of the changes that are taking place simultaneously in my life.

Resolution #018: Everything happens for a reason. Change happens for a reason. It is up to you to find outwhat that reason might be and how you play a role in that reason. Roll with the punches, go with the flow, and take things as they come. It may be that kind of struggle you need in order to face a fear, overcome a flaw, or find something great about you that you hadn't yet discovered yet. Either way, there is a purpose for this... whatever this is.