Douchebag
I have compiled a sort of list (I don't understand my obsessions with lists lately...) that allows everyone, both men and women alike, to spot a douchebag from a mile away. This list is comprised of everything from wardrobe to cheesy pick up lines. They're not in any specific order, but I have placed certain ones into categories. If you see a lot more male references than female, it's only probably because I own a vagina and therefore have to deal with the douchebaggery coming from the penis owners of the world. I will try to make it as gender neutral as possible, but no promises. Also, take note that this entire blog, not even just this one post, is from the point of view of a straight female. I deal with straight men, therefore I write about them. This list excludes a lot of everyone else, like transgender, gay, lesbian, drag queen, cross dressers, ect. I'm not even sure why I just put that as a disclosure. Seems obvious to me. Problems, comments, suggestions, alternatives, and additions can all be taken into consideration if you, the reader, chooses to actually speak up. But until that happens, enjoy!
WARDROBE
(Exception for the following: Halloween.)
1. Boys who live in any other place beside the country but wears cowboy boots.
2. Boys who wear jeans tighter than his girlfriend's.
3. If your pants hang lower than your crotch/junk.
4. If you have your own name tattooed anywhere on your own body.
5. Boys using more hair product than I do.
6. If your sunglasses are bigger your entire face.
7. Socks with sandals.
8. Boys wearing cut off jeans.
9. Uggs.
10. An entire outfit of the color white.
11. Boys who wear jewelry that is blingy-er than mine.
12. Bandannas out the back pocket of the jeans, unless you work with cars.
13. Animal print pants, unless you are at a LMFAO concert, which won't happen since they aren't even a legit group anymore.
14. Leather jackets in the middle of summer.
15. Your entire wardrobe consists of sports jerseys.
16. your entire wardrobe consists of wife beaters.
17. Cut off sleeves.
18. Porn mustache or the "douche strap"
BEHAVIOR ISMS
19. Boys who talk openly and obnoxiously about how "awesome" their penis is.
20. Girls who talk openly and obnoxiously about how "awesome" their pussy's are.
21. Boys and Girls alike who can't be without internet social media outlets for longer than three whole minutes. This includes: texting, tweeting, facebook, youtube, and everything else in between.
22. Boys/Girls who brag about "getting it in" all the fucking time.
23. Boys who take longer than girls to get ready.
24. Boys who don't at least offer to pay on the first date.
25. Boys who automatically assume they are getting laid on a first date.
26. Boys having a conversation with a girl, and his eyes never leave her tits.
27. Anyone who makes fun of anyone else; doesn't matter if it's about hair color, religion, sexual orientation, body type, etc. Knock that shit the fuck off.
28. More for those in a relationship, but if you blatantly call your partner a derogatory term, ever. Bitch, cunt, asshole, douchebag, etc. Argument or not. Just don't. Have respect for the one your boning.
29. People who constantly interrupt you when you're speaking.
30. People who constantly correct everything you say.
31. If you ever call your partner by any other person's name during sex, or, well, in general. But especially during sex.
32. Bragging/ complaining about your job for longer than five minutes at a time. It's one thing to come home and explain how lousy your day was, but when you are in the middle of the bar, drink in hand, surrounded by good friends and good music, put your job shit to rest.
33. Boys who assume they know more about lady parts than ladies do.
34. Ladies who think they know more about boy parts than the boys do.
35. Those people who give away the end of the movie or the book when you're right smack dab in the middle of it. Fuck you. Really.
36. Those people who request the same song from the DJ more than once throughout the night.
37. Talking with your mouth full.
38. Chewing tobacco/ spit.
39. If he says he'll call/text, but never does.
40. Boys, if you walk with your hands gripping your junk.
41. Slamming doors in people's faces.
42. If you don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
43. Being more than half an hour late. To anything.
44. If the gym is your second home and you won't stop until your arms are thicker than your head. (I lift things up and put things down. Fuck meatheadism.)
45. If you ever, EVER, refer to yourself in the third person.
46. If you have named your genitalia.
47. If you do not tip your server/bartender/concierge/etc.
48. If taking pictures of yourself is your favorite pass time.
49. If every mirror you walk by, you have to make sure you are decent.
50. DUCK FACE.
51. If a picture of you, solely you, is your screen saver, phone background. ESPECIALLY if it is you, half naked.
52. If you say things like, "Wasssssuuupp!?", "All that and a bag of chips...", or anything else that is s outdated, it should be retired to the Hall of Lame Phrases.
LIFESTYLE
53. If you do hard drugs. Crack, heroine, meth... really?
54. If you are a fan of any other sports team that is not the Patriots, Boston Red Sox, Bruins, or Celtics. (This one is just my own personal jab at everyone else. Don't take it too seriously.)
55. If you drive a Prius. (This one might just make you an outcast. Cuz you're weird. lol)
56. If drinking is preferred over anything else-- like paying bills, picking up after yourself, hanging with friends/family, or working.
57. If your favorite band is Nickelback.
58. If playing World of Warcraft, League of Legends, or any other online role playing game is preferred to actually having a life of your own.
59. If your sense of humor ceases to exist when it comes to you doing stupid shit. Laugh at yourself sometimes.
60. If your cooking skills is limited to Ramen noodles, ice, and toast.
61. If your trash strewn vehicle is actually cleaner than your bedroom/apartment.
62. If you are over the age of 25 and still living with Mommy and Daddy. (Exception: full time student)
63. If over the age of 18 and your main source of transportation is a scooter, moped, or skateboard.
64. If you actually think using cliche pick up lines will work.
65. If a boy standing outside of Victoria's Secret actually thinks that is the best way to pick up chicks. Same for chicks who think their dream man is at the Home Depot.
66. If you put an effort into cramming your own personal beliefs about ethics, religion, politics, or any other taboo topic is in any way okay. EVER.
67. Cyber bullying.
68. If pushing your hoopdi vehicle to 100 as soon as you hit the highway makes you feel cool.
69. If he drinks his weight in liquor EVERY weekend.
70. If cheating on your significant other is an appropriate pass time for you.
71. Multiple children from multiple partners.
72. If you're regular sized car takes up more than one parking space at a time.
73. People who line their back window in their car with beanie babies, bobble heads, or other paraphernalia that is seemingly obnoxious to the eye.
74. If you believe every conspiracy theory ever told. Don't be so gullible.
OTHER RANDOM NONSENSE
75. If your name begins with the letter 'D.' It's one thing to be douchy Eric, another altogether to be douchy Derek. :)
76. If you are a ginger. Red heads have a freckle for every soul they steal. It's a fact.
77. If you're a female and you have to douse yourself in hair spray/ body spray/ or other obnoxious smelling shit.
78. Guys: Axe body spray
79. Mullets
80. Real fur/leather clothing
81. If you're reading this entire list and thinking, "none of this is true..."
82. If you borrow something from someone and then never give it back.
83. Blackmail of any kind.
84. Paying for something over three dollars completely in change.
85. Making the same mistakes over and over again.
86. Girls who complain about walking in high heels. You chose to wear them. Deal with the pain.
87. Facebook games. i.e, Farmville, Cafe World, etc. and their invites.
88. Taking up an entire isle at the grocery store with your cart.
89. Silly String.
90. Bar brawls.
91. Procrastinators
92. Penny pinchers
93. The Governor (Walking Dead reference :))
94. The Welfare system.
95. Drunk hobos
96. Bands that scream but make no sense.
97. People who ask to bum cigarettes
98. People who stand with cardboard signs saying homeless and jobless. You can write those words on a sign? Go fill out a few applications.
99. This post.
100. If you make a list about what makes a douchebag a douchebag.
No comments:
Post a Comment