Don't Fucking Drive!
This post goes out to every single human being who has the incessant urge to throw something at the drivers they see on the road. To you, my fellow road-ragers, this rant is to serve a very distinct purpose. If I can clearly get my point across, I can only hope that most of those drivers who perform these degenerate actions can be encouraged to retire their licenses and/or return to driving school.
I, myself, have a horrible habit of flipping the bird, cussing loudly, honking my horn stubbornly, and burning holes into cars around me with only my hateful stare. It's a bad, disgusting habit. But, on several occasions, at least once a day, it has been completely and utterly necessary. People are ridiculous, ignorant, and selfish beings. And they have gotten on my very last nerve, at least when it comes to poor drivers.
So, here's my list:
If you cannot, or do not even know how, to use a fucking blinker, don't fucking drive! No one else knows where you're going but you, dumbass.
If you're perfectly normal sized car manages to somehow take up more than one whole parking space, due solely to your lack of parking skills and/or ignorance thereof, don't fucking drive!
If you hesitate at a green light, for any reason whatsoever, don't fucking drive! Green means GO!
If you find yourself stupidly sitting in the middle of an intersection, whether you have no idea where you are going, waiting for traffic, or just don't know how to stop at a stop light/sign, don't fucking drive! Do something with yourself, asshole, because you are in everyone's way!
If you have to come to a complete stop or slow down to the point of nearly stopping before you turn onto a side street or into a parking lot, don't fucking drive! Learn how to turn your fucking vehicle, because, frankly, douchebag, you are holding up the rest of us who actually have somewhere they need to be. Get it together.
If you are driving along and somehow manage to straddle the line, dotted or not, in the middle of the road, don't fucking drive! Pick a fucking lane!
If you think going 10 miles under the speed limit is absolutely okay for any reason other than a major accident up ahead, severe weather, or you just have no idea where you are, then don't fucking drive! The speed limit is in place for a reason, respect that shit.
For those of you who drive across the empty parking spaces in the middle of parking lots just to get to the opposite side, don't fucking drive! You're an idiot, period.
If you ride your brake, everywhere you go, don't fucking drive! There are two pedals in your piece of shit vehicle. The one all the way to your right? Yeah, that propels your stupid ass forward. Use it.
If you are so illiterate that you can't even read the road signs that don't even have words on them, just arrows, and you manage to find yourself going down the wrong way on a one way street, or turning right on red when the sign right in front of your face tells you not to, or entering the side street on the opposite side of the road, don't fucking drive! It's a fucking arrow! How difficult is it to fucking read an arrow with a red slash through it?
For those of you who cannot multitask to save your pitiful lives but you feel the impulse to use your goddamn cell phone while trying to drive, and yet, are to ignorant to see that you are fucking everything up, don’t fucking drive! Me, on the other hand; I’ve got that shit on lock, cigarette in one hand, cell in the other, while driving a stick. Figure you’re shit out.
If you are over the age of 80, with cataracts, and you need the support of a cane or walker in order to even walk, don’t fucking drive! You’ve got kids and taxis and shit for that. You’re going to kill someone because your liver spots are also doubling as your blind spots.
Girls who absolutely have to try to put on lipstick, mascara, blush, or anything else of the sort while trying to fucking drive, don’t fucking drive! You have a bathroom and a bedroom with mirrors in it for that shit!
For those individuals who must get home, or wherever, after a long night of heavy drinking, don’t fucking drive! You’re a horrible, stupid driver when you’re fucking sober, what in God’s name makes you think you are any better when you are obliterated?! Go find an AA meeting, Boozy.
If you are one of those guys who tries to race people at stop lights in your beat up Toyota Corolla, don’t fucking drive! One, you’re a douchebag just for trying. Two, look at your car, kid, you don’t even have rims. Thirdly, my piece of junk Mercury Tracer may not win in a drag race against you, Fast and Furious Douchebag Drift, but I guarantee I can have at least you and two of your bros lined up at the bar waiting to buy me shots. So, by default, I already won.
If you drive slow as all get out in the fucking fast lane, don’t fucking drive! Get the fuck over when I am right behind you! I’ve got places to be, and you’re in my way! Don’t think I won’t flash my high beams at your sorry ass.
Mothers with screaming children in the backseat who can’t drive and hit her kids simultaneously without swerving or breaking every two seconds, don’t fucking drive! Do like my mom did and pull the car right the fuck over, beat Jesus right into us, and then left us on the curb if we didn’t stop misbehaving. And if that doesn’t work and you still can’t control your demon spawns, at least control your stupid minivan.
Now, I have ranted long enough, and if there is anything that I haven’t covered, I am sure I will hear about it.
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