02.08.13

Abandonment

The worst feeling- the feeling I would not even wish upon my worst enemy- is abandonment.
It isn't like being ignored, neglected, or even disappointed. Those feelings are retrospectively temporary. They can be compensated for. In other things. In other people. In new experiences.
Being abandoned is unlike any other feeling because with it, almost immediately, come inevitable waves of other abiding emotions. And to be abandoned, well, that is permanent.
They say "abandon ship," it is because you are to never to return to it. That is probably because it is in the process of sinking or crashing or burning into nothing but a ship shaped pile of dust at the bottom of a very deep and watery grave.
They say "abandon all hope," because whatever hope you had is of no use to anyone anymore. Because there is no hope left to be had.
The word "abandon" is to "death" as is "dog" is to "bone." They seem to be one in the same, at least, in my mind.
And with abandonment comes this overwhelming sense of dread. Something you once knew is no longer. Security, love, stability, sanity, control, family... the loss of these things are life altering and depleting to the very fabric of our personal connection to reality.
Therefore, abandonment, along with dread, brings about doubt. The kind of self doubt that questions the very purpose of life. Was I ever in control? Was I ever safe? Did he ever love me? Can I even trust my own mind to tell me what is real and what isn't anymore?
The last time I ever felt this way was when I was eleven years old. As I watched my father pack up his entire life into a few beaten tote boxes. As he walked out the front door and drove away. As we ate dinner without him that night. The idea of the stable loving family I had grown into was just a fabrication, and all I could do was sit there and watch as everything fell apart right before me. I was out of control of this situation that affected my life so extravagantly. I was abandoned.
I don't know what the purpose of this post is, or why I even feel the need to share it with you. Maybe because words, manipulated into thoughts, that are then woven into sentences, and then finally visually laid out on a piece of paper or computer screen give me that sense of control I feel I have lost.
I do not know what is to come. But I know nothing will be the same. And consistency is a part of control that I no longer have.

That is all.

Resolution #39: Abandon nothing.