01.29.13

Douchebag

I have compiled a sort of list (I don't understand my obsessions with lists lately...) that allows everyone, both men and women alike, to spot a douchebag from a mile away. This list is comprised of everything from wardrobe to cheesy pick up lines. They're not in any specific order, but I have placed certain ones into categories. If you see a lot more male references than female, it's only probably because I own a vagina and therefore have to deal with the douchebaggery coming from the penis owners of the world. I will try to make it as gender neutral as possible, but no promises. Also, take note that this entire blog, not even just this one post, is from the point of view of a straight female. I deal with straight men, therefore I write about them. This list excludes a lot of everyone else, like transgender, gay, lesbian, drag queen, cross dressers, ect. I'm not even sure why I just put that as a disclosure. Seems obvious to me. Problems, comments, suggestions, alternatives, and additions can all be taken into consideration if you, the reader, chooses to actually speak up. But until that happens, enjoy!

WARDROBE
(Exception for the following: Halloween.)

1. Boys who live in any other place beside the country but wears cowboy boots.
2. Boys who wear jeans tighter than his girlfriend's.
3. If your pants hang lower than your crotch/junk.
4. If you have your own name tattooed anywhere on your own body.
5. Boys using more hair product than I do.
6. If your sunglasses are bigger your entire face.
7. Socks with sandals.
8. Boys wearing cut off jeans.
9. Uggs.
10. An entire outfit of the color white.
11. Boys who wear jewelry that is blingy-er than mine.
12. Bandannas out the back pocket of the jeans, unless you work with cars.
13. Animal print pants, unless you are at a LMFAO concert, which won't happen since they aren't even a legit group anymore.
14. Leather jackets in the middle of summer.
15. Your entire wardrobe consists of sports jerseys.
16. your entire wardrobe consists of wife beaters.
17. Cut off sleeves.
18. Porn mustache or the "douche strap"

BEHAVIOR ISMS

19. Boys who talk openly and obnoxiously about how "awesome" their penis is.
20. Girls who talk openly and obnoxiously about how "awesome" their pussy's are.
21. Boys and Girls alike who can't be without internet social media outlets for longer than three whole minutes. This includes: texting, tweeting, facebook, youtube, and everything else in between.
22. Boys/Girls who brag about "getting it in" all the fucking time.
23. Boys who take longer than girls to get ready.
24. Boys who don't at least offer to pay on the first date.
25. Boys who automatically assume they are getting laid on a first date.
26. Boys having a conversation with a girl, and his eyes never leave her tits.
27. Anyone who makes fun of anyone else; doesn't matter if it's about hair color, religion, sexual orientation, body type, etc. Knock that shit the fuck off.
28. More for those in a relationship, but if you blatantly call your partner a derogatory term, ever. Bitch, cunt, asshole, douchebag, etc. Argument or not. Just don't. Have respect for the one your boning.
29. People who constantly interrupt you when you're speaking.
30. People who constantly correct everything you say.
31. If you ever call your partner by any other person's name during sex, or, well, in general. But especially during sex.
32. Bragging/ complaining about your job for longer than five minutes at a time. It's one thing to come home and explain how lousy your day was, but when you are in the middle of the bar, drink in hand, surrounded by good friends and good music, put your job shit to rest.
33. Boys who assume they know more about lady parts than ladies do.
34. Ladies who think they know more about boy parts than the boys do.
35. Those people who give away the end of the movie or the book when you're right smack dab in the middle of it. Fuck you. Really.
36. Those people who request the same song from the DJ more than once throughout the night.
37. Talking with your mouth full.
38. Chewing tobacco/ spit.
39. If he says he'll call/text, but never does.
40. Boys, if you walk with your hands gripping your junk.
41. Slamming doors in people's faces.
42. If you don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
43. Being more than half an hour late. To anything.
44. If the gym is your second home and you won't stop until your arms are thicker than your head. (I lift things up and put things down. Fuck meatheadism.)
45. If you ever, EVER, refer to yourself in the third person.
46. If you have named your genitalia.
47. If you do not tip your server/bartender/concierge/etc. 
48. If taking pictures of yourself is your favorite pass time.
49. If every mirror you walk by, you have to make sure you are decent.
50. DUCK FACE.
51. If a picture of you, solely you, is your screen saver, phone background. ESPECIALLY if it is you, half naked.
52. If you say things like, "Wasssssuuupp!?", "All that and a bag of chips...", or anything else that is s outdated, it should be retired to the Hall of Lame Phrases.

LIFESTYLE

53. If you do hard drugs. Crack, heroine, meth... really?
54. If you are a fan of any other sports team that is not the Patriots, Boston Red Sox, Bruins, or Celtics. (This one is just my own personal jab at everyone else. Don't take it too seriously.)
55. If you drive a Prius. (This one might just make you an outcast. Cuz you're weird. lol)
56. If drinking is preferred over anything else-- like paying bills, picking up after yourself, hanging with friends/family, or working.
57. If your favorite band is Nickelback.
58. If playing World of Warcraft, League of Legends, or any other online role playing game is preferred to actually having a life of your own.
59. If your sense of humor ceases to exist when it comes to you doing stupid shit. Laugh at yourself sometimes.
60. If your cooking skills is limited to Ramen noodles, ice, and toast.
61. If your trash strewn vehicle is actually cleaner than your bedroom/apartment.
62. If you are over the age of 25 and still living with Mommy and Daddy. (Exception: full time student)
63. If over the age of 18 and your main source of transportation is a scooter, moped, or skateboard.  
64. If you actually think using cliche pick up lines will work.
65. If a boy standing outside of Victoria's Secret actually thinks that is the best way to pick up chicks. Same for chicks who think their dream man is at the Home Depot.
66. If you put an effort into cramming your own personal beliefs about ethics, religion, politics, or any other taboo topic is in any way okay. EVER.
67. Cyber bullying.
68. If pushing your hoopdi vehicle to 100 as soon as you hit the highway makes you feel cool.
69. If he drinks his weight in liquor EVERY weekend.
70. If cheating on your significant other is an appropriate pass time for you.
71. Multiple children from multiple partners.
72. If you're regular sized car takes up more than one parking space at a time.
73. People who line their back window in their car with beanie babies, bobble heads, or other paraphernalia that is seemingly obnoxious to the eye.
74. If you believe every conspiracy theory ever told. Don't be so gullible.

OTHER RANDOM NONSENSE

75. If your name begins with the letter 'D.' It's one thing to be douchy Eric, another altogether to be douchy Derek. :)
76. If you are a ginger. Red heads have a freckle for every soul they steal. It's a fact.
77. If you're a female and you have to douse yourself in hair spray/ body spray/ or other obnoxious smelling shit.
78. Guys: Axe body spray
79. Mullets
80. Real fur/leather clothing
81. If you're reading this entire list and thinking, "none of this is true..."
82. If you borrow something from someone and then never give it back.
83. Blackmail of any kind.
84. Paying for something over three dollars completely in change.
85. Making the same mistakes over and over again.
86. Girls who complain about walking in high heels. You chose to wear them. Deal with the pain.
87. Facebook games. i.e, Farmville, Cafe World, etc. and their invites.
88. Taking up an entire isle at the grocery store with your cart. 
89. Silly String.
90. Bar brawls.
91. Procrastinators
92. Penny pinchers
93. The Governor (Walking Dead reference :))
94. The Welfare system.
95. Drunk hobos
96. Bands that scream but make no sense.
97. People who ask to bum cigarettes
98. People who stand with cardboard signs saying homeless and jobless. You can write those words on a sign? Go fill out a few applications.
99. This post.
100. If you make a list about what makes a douchebag a douchebag.

Resolution #029: Everyone is a douchebag, in some shape or another. Remember that means you too.

Advice of the day: Don't be a douche.

01.28.13

Don't Fucking Drive!

     This post goes out to every single human being who has the incessant urge to throw something at the drivers they see on the road. To you, my fellow road-ragers, this rant is to serve a very distinct purpose. If I can clearly get my point across, I can only hope that most of those drivers who perform these degenerate actions can be encouraged to retire their licenses and/or return to driving school.
     I, myself, have a horrible habit of flipping the bird, cussing loudly, honking my horn stubbornly, and burning holes into cars around me with only my hateful stare. It's a bad, disgusting habit. But, on several occasions, at least once a day, it has been completely and utterly necessary. People are ridiculous, ignorant, and selfish beings. And they have gotten on my very last nerve, at least when it comes to poor drivers.
     So, here's my list:

     If you cannot, or do not even know how, to use a fucking blinker, don't fucking drive! No one else knows where you're going but you, dumbass.

     If you're perfectly normal sized car manages to somehow take up more than one whole parking space, due solely to your lack of parking skills and/or ignorance thereof, don't fucking drive!

     If you hesitate at a green light, for any reason whatsoever, don't fucking drive! Green means GO!

     If you find yourself stupidly sitting in the middle of an intersection, whether you have no idea where you are going, waiting for traffic, or just don't know how to stop at a stop light/sign, don't fucking drive! Do something with yourself, asshole, because you are in everyone's way!

     If you have to come to a complete stop or slow down to the point of nearly stopping before you turn onto a side street or into a parking lot, don't fucking drive! Learn how to turn your fucking vehicle, because, frankly, douchebag, you are holding up the rest of us who actually have somewhere they need to be. Get it together.

     If you are driving along and somehow manage to straddle the line, dotted or not, in the middle of the road, don't fucking drive! Pick a fucking lane!

     If you think going 10 miles under the speed limit is absolutely okay for any reason other than a major accident up ahead, severe weather, or you just have no idea where you are, then don't fucking drive! The speed limit is in place for a reason, respect that shit.

     For those of you who drive across the empty parking spaces in the middle of parking lots just to get to the opposite side, don't fucking drive! You're an idiot, period.

     If you ride your brake, everywhere you go, don't fucking drive! There are two pedals in your piece of shit vehicle. The one all the way to your right? Yeah, that propels your stupid ass forward. Use it.

     If you are so illiterate that you can't even read the road signs that don't even have words on them, just arrows, and you manage to find yourself going down the wrong way on a one way street, or turning right on red when the sign right in front of your face tells you not to, or entering the side street on the opposite side of the road, don't fucking drive! It's a fucking arrow! How difficult is it to fucking read an arrow with a red slash through it?

 

For those of you who cannot multitask to save your pitiful lives but you feel the impulse to use your goddamn cell phone while trying to drive, and yet, are to ignorant to see that you are fucking everything up, don’t fucking drive! Me, on the other hand; I’ve got that shit on lock, cigarette in one hand, cell in the other, while driving a stick. Figure you’re shit out. 

If you are over the age of 80, with cataracts, and you need the support of a cane or walker in order to even walk, don’t fucking drive! You’ve got kids and taxis and shit for that. You’re going to kill someone because your liver spots are also doubling as your blind spots. 

Girls who absolutely have to try to put on lipstick, mascara, blush, or anything else of the sort while trying to fucking drive, don’t fucking drive! You have a bathroom and a bedroom with mirrors in it for that shit!

For those individuals who must get home, or wherever, after a long night of heavy drinking, don’t fucking drive! You’re a horrible, stupid driver when you’re fucking sober, what in God’s name makes you think you are any better when you are obliterated?! Go find an AA meeting, Boozy.

If you are one of those guys who tries to race people at stop lights in your beat up Toyota Corolla, don’t fucking drive! One, you’re a douchebag just for trying. Two, look at your car, kid, you don’t even have rims. Thirdly, my piece of junk Mercury Tracer may not win in a drag race against you, Fast and Furious Douchebag Drift, but I guarantee I can have at least you and two of your bros lined up at the bar waiting to buy me shots. So, by default, I already won.

If you drive slow as all get out in the fucking fast lane, don’t fucking drive! Get the fuck over when I am right behind you! I’ve got places to be, and you’re in my way! Don’t think I won’t flash my high beams at your sorry ass.

Mothers with screaming children in the backseat who can’t drive and hit her kids simultaneously without swerving or breaking every two seconds, don’t fucking drive! Do like my mom did and pull the car right the fuck over, beat Jesus right into us, and then left us on the curb if we didn’t stop misbehaving. And if that doesn’t work and you still can’t control your demon spawns, at least control your stupid minivan.

Now, I have ranted long enough, and if there is anything that I haven’t covered, I am sure I will hear about it.

Resolution #028: Don’t be an idiot driver. Smarten the fuck up and learn how to operate your vehicle. Because in the end, your poor driving is reflected back on you. And if that turns out to be me flipping you off or you causing accidents, well, I warned you, douchebag.

01.27.13

Movie Bucket List

I have several of these lists, of which I plan to fulfill before I am dead. This movie list, activities list, sex list, people to meet list, etc.
The concept of a bucket list is to be aware of things you haven't done yet, things you want to do, and things that are expected of you to do before you kick the bucket. Notice the pun? Good. 
I am sharing with you today all of the movies I have on my bucket list because they are movies I have not seen and really need to. 
Enjoy!
If there are movies that I need to add, please let me know.

1. The Bourne movies
2. The Oceans (11,12,13...) movies
3. The Matrix
4. Resident Evil
5. James Bond
6. Indiana Jones
7. Anything with Marilyn Monroe
8. I Know What You Did Last Summer
9. Halloween
10. Scream
11. Friday the 13th
12. Home Alone
13. Nightmare on Elm Street
14. Willy Wonka (old and new)
15. Die Hard
16. Lethal Weapon
17. Chocolate
18. Lord of the Rings


I have many many more and will continue to update this list as I think of them and/or cross them off by actually watching them. 

Resolution #027: Make lists of things you wish to do before your life ends. Movies, activities, etc. And actually make the effort to do them. Life is short, and it would be wasted if you missed out on anything.

01.26.13

Fight Club

Recently, I have found myself butting heads with random people in my life. My brother, my friends, my boss... my boss? Yeah, him too. 
And these arguments have been seriously petty as fuck. 
One was about change amount from the package store. Another was over me doing my laundry. Another was over which job was priority and which one wasn't. 
Stupid shit to argue about!
And what's worse, is that I was so naive to actually argue back. As if my two cents actually mattered in resolving the stupid problem that shouldn't have even been a problem to begin with. 
What, honestly, is the point of arguing over these stupid insignificant things?
The need to be right, the clarification that you are in control of the provided situation, the urge to express some underlying emotion that has absolutely nothing to do with the situation you're thrust in, just not knowing how to express what you feel without arguing about it first using petty things to dilute the fact that this is, in fact what you're feeling. 
Did that last one even make sense?
None of these stupid fights have made any sense at all to me.
And for some reason, they have weighed on me more than they should have.
So, I will cut straight to the point with this one.

Resolution #026: Choose your battles wisely. Are you really crying over spilt milk? Or is there something else you need to say, you just happen to be using milk as your decoy...? Think about the fight you are pursuing, and the consequences of this argument. Is this an argument that will burn a bridge with someone? If so, is this the way you want it to burn? When in doubt, just be honest with yourself by taking a step back to figure out the root cause of this trifle. Are you really mad with this person? Or are you just having a bad day? After you figure out what is going on with you, be open about it with everyone else. So that these petty arguments don't need to even happen. You are welcome.

01.25.13

Sankofa

There is a concept that originated in West Africa called Sankofa. This concept, translated, means, "it is not taboo to go back and fetch what you have forgot." This does not apply to leaving your keys in the door, or your coffee on top of your car. This concept relates to the past that shapes us. It is okay to reach back into our roots, our mistakes, or memories, and the feelings associated with those memories and use them as tools to shape a better future.
I first stumbled across this concept in my Black American Literature class, the very first day of the semester. I used to think that the past should stay in the past, that mistakes should not be forgotten, but should never be spoken of again. I used to believe that you take those emotions felt way back then, the pain, shame, heartache, yearning, and misery and shut them down when they rear their ugly heads. That when you remember those times that made you feel that way, you flip your switch, shut it off, that way you don't have to rehash the past.
Well, I was wrong.
The concept of Sankofa is the truest statement I have come across in my short existence here on earth. I have begun to look into those significant moments that have created the person I am today.
I want to take this post to shout out to some people who have played parts in my world that have impacted my life in forever changing ways.
My parents and grandparents:
I obviously would not even have a life if not for you. You have been the constant in a world full of change.
Mom, we may have our ups and our downs, we may fight and bicker, but at the end of the day, I still need my mommy. And I will always be your little girl.
Dad, I have always been and always will be a Daddy's girl. You are my hero. You have always taken care of me, even when you physically could not be there. I will never stop loving you, and I pray you know that.
Pepe and Meme, I know you are no longer a part of this world, but you will forever hold a place in my heart. Thank you for taking care of me and Evan, loving us unconditionally. Knowing you, having you in my life, has made me a better person. You both have given me a kind of love to hope and look forward to for myself. 
Grandma Sharon, Papa Jack, Grandpa Don, and Grandma Peggy, you have all made life so easy for me, and with all of you having been in my life, I am blessed every day.
Evan and Nathan, my brothers, you are my entire world, and I would do absolutely anything for the both of you. You both mean so much to me, and I pray we stay close even when we're still fighting over the remote in the old home.
My best friends, you keep me grounded when I feel like the world is trying to uproot me. Without you all, I would be absolutely alone in a world of douchebags. And that would just be bad. 

Anyways, those who have portrayed significant roles in our past shape our future. They shape our now, and they shaped the path the got us here. Also, those people provide us with memories, both good and bad. Those experiences provide us with emotions to use as weapons for possible situations we may face in the future.

Resolution #025: The people who were meant to be in our lives, will be in our lives. Whether we want them there or not. Those people who broke us down or cast us aside, are only proof of how strong of a person we have become. And if those people--the ones who hurt us--are still meant to be in our lives, then they will be. They will find some way, some how, to redeem themselves. And it is up to us to forgive and move forward. Because, as Fate would have it, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

01.24.13

My Snapple Commercial

Okay, so this semester I am taking a basic film writing course and my very first assignment was to write a 30 second commercial. I thought this was incredibly fun. So I wanted to share it with you. Enjoy.

EXT. WHARFSIDE WAREHOUSE- NIGHT

WIDE SHOT

A foggy night. Three armed guards walk the perimeter of the warehouse.

FADE IN

INT. WAREHOUSE LOADING DOCK- NIGHT

WOMAN sitting in a metal chair, arms tied behind back of chair, centered around five armed guards. LEAD GUARD paces in front of chair, holding gun in one hand.

LEAD GUARD

(angry Russian accent)

Tell me what I want to know.

What is the secret ingredient?

What makes the new Peach

Cranberry Snapple so good?

WOMAN

(defiant and sarcastic)

Isn’t it obvious?

LEAD GUARD

(shouting)

I am not here to answer riddles!?

Tell me the secrets of this beverage!

WOMAN

(laughing)

Come closer and I’ll tell you.

Lead guard leans in toward the woman. Woman snaps back and head butts him, intentionally falls backward in metal chair, slips out of the rope binding her wrists.

CLOSE- LEAD GUARD’S FACE

LEAD GUARD

(holding his nose, shouting)

Don’t let her go!

Get the bottle!

(points to table in corner)

CU- PORTION OF TABLE- SNAPPLE BOTTLE

Hand enters shot and grabs bottle

WIDER SHOT

WOMAN

(smiles proudly)

You mean this bottle?

She holds up Snapple bottle. Everyone in the warehouse pauses and just stares at her. Scuffle ensues, all five guards dive at her.

FADE IN

EXT. DOCKS BEYOND WAREHOUSE- NIGHT

Woman running, warehouse looming behind her, DISTANT SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE.
She jumps down off dock toward the water, landing on a jet ski.

CLOSE- WOMAN’S FACE- DRINKING FROM SNAPPLE

WOMAN

(after taking sip from Snapple

bottle, looks at camera, smiling)

You can’t blame them for trying.

After all, Snapple is made

from the best stuff on earth.

CUT TO SNAPPLE LOGO

Resolution #024: Make work (hard labor, mental conundrums, and homework)as fun as possible. If you are stressing over math finals or building a house, no matter what it is you are doing, make it enjoyable.Nothing should be boring or stressful unless you so should choose to have it that way. And, human nature may have it, no one likes boring or stressful. So, fun up!

01.23.13

Ink

Every day

I bare my soul

With paper I blot

the blood of pain

from my heart--

Throbs are blue

with rhythmic sound

sweet bitter life

Bare lips suckle the pen tops,

I chew...

Brain enthused 

with transparent muse

I have chosen words...

The scribble sings

till my fingers are numb--

Even on the loo

the words come

But first the feeling,

the urge to screw

the world with a pen nib

All else abandoned,

I have chosen ink.

No

I am not 

on the brink

of hope

I only stand

on the spit white cliff

of insanity...

-Jean Goulbourne

Sometimes audible words do not flow from the lips as easily as we would hope.

Sometimes we stutter and trip, syllables seemingly impossible, when we attempt to portray our emotions and opinions through vocal means.

Sometimes the one we try to speak to just takes our breath away, and words are just lost, or stranded, on the tip of the tongue.

Why do we slip up on conversations that mean so much to us?

Why can we not just say what we need to say, without holding back?

Without allowing our doubts to take over?

Resolution #023: When words escape you, your vocal cords all tied up in knots, pick up a pen. Allow your emotions to pour out on a page, the words unsaid, expressed on paper. Sort through the muck that is your mind. Or, even more so, your heart. Find the courage to say what you need to say, even if you, yourself, is silent. Write.